Who I am- A little piece of me

29 years ++ of living has teach me to be me. Thanks to them for ‘shaping’ me as who I am today… There are ups and downs in my life. There are times when I feel i lost place to lean and trust . To tell u the truth, I am living in a simple life. My life is consist of works Monday to Friday from morning until 8pm at night. Yeah,u got it right it sounds like I am so hardworking. Sometimes my working hours could stretch to 10pm or the latest by midnight which I assume it will only happen once a year (if it happen). My weekends is pack with study since I decided to start back what I have started, to complete my ACCA (god knows how long it has been..ishk..ishk..ishk). hence, my free time is only left with Sunday. It is a day where I wanna get some rest, stay at home, run some errands or  join any runs. Basically that is how things are with me.

One fine day after my birthday someone asked me, ‘how was the celebration last night?’. I asked him ‘what celebration?’, tried to look puzzle. I know what he meant. Dates, flowers, proper dinner n bla bla bla. I told him I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed home, celebrated it with my family, played with my nephew (the best feeling ever!). It is not true actually. No celebration, no cake cutting. Just wishes from them. That is it. What my friend replied when I told him that ‘pity you. Next year you are turning to 30 years old n yet you did not go anywhere to celebrate and still single’.

That time I felt so hurt like a knife stabbing my chest, hard to breath because I was trying to control my anger. My emotions were not stable. I almost cried. It took me few seconds before I could reply. I said ‘it is more meaningful celebrating your birthday with your family rather than a stranger’. I told myself to keep calm n breath after that. Fuh! The first person I text was my bestie. I told her it is not my fault to be single at this age, it is not my fault I didn't celebrate my birthday with a guy, it is not my fault that I am not married at this age. It is not my fault at all!!!

He does not know what I went through in finding Mr Right, he did not know how many times I cried because of one guy, he did not know how many sins I did by having a relationship with a guy, he did not how my past relationship had ruined my relationship with others, he did not know. He did not know who I am. He knew nothing about me!

Let me tell you, I never ask to be single at this age. When I was in my final year in my university, I had a plan. I planned by the time I graduate, I find a job and continue my ACCA full time within 3 years and got married after that. I planned to do all that within 3 years and I hope I will have my first child at the age of 27 years old. But as a human being, we only can plan, it is Allah who decides what best for us.

Misinterpretation

When you received information either to your liking or not please think rationally. Please absorb the information and understand every words of it. Don’t jump into conclusion. That is why I don’t prefer people to text me when they are talking about serious matter because I tend to interpret things differently. Thus, the message would not convey as what it should be.

Dear U

Dear U,

How I wish I could to tell you how much I love u

How I wish I am not afraid and not ashamed to tell u my feelings

But I just could not

U are so lucky to have more than one woman loved u

And that news just break my heart again and again

But is there any chance for me now? I wonder..

Is there any chance for u to consider me again (if u considered me before)

Dear u..

Why I  was so stupid being too afraid to tell u that I want u with all my heart

To spend the rest of my life together with u and them

I always have that picture in mind and I still have it now

Should I erase it? I should, shouldn’t I? but I don’t want

Because deep down my heart I still hope that it would happen one day

Life must goes on no matter how hard it is to face reality

How heavy and hurt every steps that I take

But I always remember to put a smile on my face, to have my chin up

Because if it meant to be it would be.

Only u, and u and u

Have u ever feel like going some where far far away to no one know you?
To the place where you are a stranger?
That no one bother about you?

I feel like it once awhile when i feel so down,so sad, so emotional.

There were times that I just need to get out from the usual crowd,
to meet someone else even for awhile like having a lunch together,
Or..a cup of coffee, or a cup of ice-cream and a book to accompany me.

It is not that hate them but if u r being with the same person everyday,
every time (virtually or f2f),
u need to 'run' a way.
Not so long, just a few hours....

It is not wrong to do that right?!

Just a space for yourself,
Do whatever you feel like to do,
Just a time for you n you n you...alone.

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Assalamualaikum. 

Last weekend memang our house full coz most of the siblings were here with the family. So rumah yg selalunya sunyi jadi 'havoc' dengan suara budak2 gelak. We were talking about names then my eldest niece ckp in her class ada 4 org nama AIsyah. Nurul Nur Aisyah, Nur Aisyah then ada sorang ni that her nama memang menarik perhatian because her name is Aisyah but people called her Bella budak hot. I was like 'apa, budak hot?'. The reason is because she got followers laki more than perempuan dalam twitter. So I  searched her in twitter (skodeng time..ehem..). Twitter tak private, followers berlambak almost 2000++. fuh! scroll tgk gambar, read the tweets. Basically budak ni tak tweet pun. byk tweets because of the followers statistic. Gambar byk selfie with muka ala2 comel.

Actually bukan nak cakap pasal ni but i want to write about social media. As we know Malaysian is top 5 to have social media account. so you can imagine hebat tak hebat rakyat malaysia dalam up to date pasal benda2 ni. Memang tak surprise la if budak sekolah rendah pun ada account FB, Twitter or IG. I don't mind psl tu tapi wat makes me menyampah is the pictures they posted. Selfie muka ala2 comel tu dah biasa sgt but gambar half naked. i fell sad for them,the parents. I am wondering, parents diorg tak tau ke. Pastu like 100 n mostly lelaki. Saddest part is yang liked and post gambar are Islam, melayu. And God knows if ada org yg just save our picture in their phone. Have we ever think about it? Trust me it happens. Gambar yang bertudung pun ada org nak save, gambar yang tak bertudung? Think about it please.

Sumpah, sometimes nak nangis tengok their picture especially yg kita kenal. I just pray for them, to realise that this world is more to explore, this world is fulls with cabaran, that their life is a long way to go. Another thing that makes me sad is org yg comment or likes are those yang ada blood related or best friend. Shouldn't a good friend/person tegur if they really love them? Kesian dengan parents mereka. Mereka masih muda. They have potential tapi I don't want them to be successful person tapi gaya macam ni. I have been through my teenage life and I regret few things I did. I don't want them to regret in their future like me. I pray that someone could lead them to straight path.

Takut dengan dunia sekarang. Teenagers selamber letak pictures mcm2. Dulu nak post pikir dua tiga kali even parents bukan dalam friend list. I know u didn't wear hijab but please jgn letak gambar yg nampak hampir segala-galanya. Tak manis!

At this point, I am bersyukur sebab my niece tak ada any media social account. At least she listens to her mother. I always tell her 'tak payah ada account FB ke IG ke'.

I am not married and I am afraid if I have a child, could I raise them properly? Penuh dengan kasih sayang, Islamic knowledge in this horror world? I hope I can when I have one :)

aci?

Terlalu ramai yang buat statement and tanya soalan di bawah. So this will be my script.

Aci?

P/s: some questions shouldn't be asked coz we have no answer for that.

Respek pls!

Somehow I need you to respect my feeling too....