Friday, October 28, 2016


Last night i dreamt about him. The person that I miss most, his presence, his smile, his voice, his spontaneous.

I was as a celebration. It was at night. The sky was dark but the lights around us lightened the darkness. Everyone was happily laughing, chatting and wearing nice and pretty clothes. I guess since it almost Deepavali and I walked at Jalan Masjid India yesterday, that is the reason why the bright color clothing and lights were all about.

I walked with someone. A friend. Around the place. It has an open place in the middle of building. the bulding is much alike in the famous hisdustan movie, Banrangi Bhaijaan where Rashika stays with her family. I walked around the path. Chatting and talking to whoever we met on our way.

Then I met my parents and some of my family. suddenly, there he was there. Appear besides me. He was wearing blue colored shirt. There was a smile on his face. Big smile. we were shocke but there was a big grin wearing on our face. I hugged him. tightly and non-stop saying his name, "Abg Ajun,, Abg Ajun". For not know how many times. He just smile. Then Umi asked, "Have you meet Marini?". His replied "Not yet." Umi asked him to meet her.

His physical was not like us. He was like a thin smoke. But I hugged him just now. I don't care and I don't want to know how. He took one of the lantern and lighted himself so that we could see him clearer.

That was it. Until that. When I woke up I could feel the tears at the corner of my eyes. I cried because I was happy to see him even it just for a few minutes. Syukur Allah pertemukan kami. walau hanya sekejap. Rindu itu terubat juga.

I wrote this because I don't want to forget about it. At least whenever I read back all my post I know I have it before.


Saturday, April 23, 2016

Selepas seminggu....


Hari ini genap 7 hari Abg Ajun pergi menghadap Ilahi. Iya, arwah meninggal pada 17 Apr 2016 pada pukul 11.27am di KPJ Damansara. Arwah pergi tepat 5 bulan sebelum birthday nya yang ke 33tahun.

Sewaktu kami sekeluarga tahu arwah di diagnos mempunyai 'testiscular cancer' tahap 3 pada 22 Januari 2016, aku amat terkejut. sewaktu aku tahu tentang berita itu, mahu sahaja aku cancel sahaja trip ke Koh Li pe yang dirancang dimana kami akan bertolak pada awal esok pagi. Tapi memandangkan kami hanya plan trip itu berdua adalah amat tidak adil untuk aku tarik diri  last minute. 

Arwah mengambil keputusan untuk menjalani perubatan alternatif (taking natural remedies). Doktor yang rawat arwah adalah certified doctor. Yang membezakan dengan doktor hospital is the foods and medicine are all naturals, without- GMO, and organics. This diagnosis effect all of us. kami sekeluarga mula mengelak dari bahan makanan yang bukan organik dan fast-foods.

Setelah beberapa bulan bertarung, arwah dimasukkan ke hospital pada 12 April 2016. masa itu doktor advise untuk refer this case to KPJ Damansara or HKL becaus these two places aje yang ada specialist for cancer treatment. So, he was admitted to KPJ Damansara on the 14 April 2016 to andikastart treatment chemo but Allah swt loves him more. Arwah pergi sebelum sempat buat apa-apa treatment di hospital.

Memang susah untuk aku terima ketentuan ini tapi aku kena belajar untuk redha menerima ujian. Sumpah, aku ingat aku bersedia apabila saat ini hadir tapi rupanya aku amat lemah. Aku kena jadi kuat untuk jadi support system to my SIL and their son. Yes, arwah meninggalkan seorang anak laki berusia 4 tahun. Anak itu terlalu kecil untuk hidup tanpa seorang bapa.

Sepanjang hidup aku, kami boleh di consider as rapat. time kecil, kami banyak main sama-sama memandangkan beza umur kami hanya 2 tahun. Main lumpur, basikal, tembak-tembak di kala matahari di atas kepala bukan menjadi hal untuk kami. iya, aku memang lasak tapi semua ini aku belajar dengan arwah dan abang sulung aku. Arwah seorang yang banyak mengalah untuk aku sejak kecik sampai besar. pernah sekali aku bergaduh dengan ex-bf aku waktu balik from office and he saw it. He went back alone even we were suppose to go back together. Kami pergi kerja bersama-sama memandangkan both commuted using lrt and our offices dekat to each other. I was the one who held the car key tho he was older than me. I could not remember we ever fight when we were small. we only started argue over things last few years because i was being over-protected over my loved one.

we worked in the same office for a year and as a HR officer, he was being honest, responsible and reliable in keeping the P&C info. even i tried to korek the rahsia but he did not entertain and buat bodoh je. as a father, arwah memang pandai jaga anak. Tukar pampers, bagi makan, mandikan anak and etc. I look up on arwah on this. He might not diberikan rezeki yang murah seperti aku tapi arwah tidak pernah menyusahkan kami dengan meminjam duit. 

Rancangan Allah swt itu sungguh teliti dan cantik. Kami percaya ada hikmah yang tersirat dibalik kejadian ini. Kami sudah buat yang termampu untuk mengubati arwah dan Allah tidakkan memberi ujian kepada hambanya jika hambanya tidak terdaya. sesungguhnya apa yang terjadi sudah tertulis di Lah Maahfuz. Siapa kita hambanya yang layak untuk mempertikaikan setiap kejadian?

Abg Ajun...abg ajun pergi dengan senang, wajah mu tenang. Alia akan rindukan Abg Ajun sepanjang hayat Alia. Moga Abg Ajun tenang di sana. Moga Allah swt mempertemukan kita kembali di syurga dimana kita tidak akan terpisah selamanya selepas itu.

Dear readers, please recite Al-fatihah for arwah if you read this post. If you are wondering how are we doing, alhamdulillah we are good. we are still coping with the lost. Please make du'a for us to be stronger and may Allah ease our burden. Please also make du'a for arwah's wife and their son. Only Allah swt could repay all the du'a.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I am blessed...Alhamdulillah

I wrote this few months back when people asked why I decided to do kenduri kesyukuran

Solo trip: What is in my mind?

This is the intro for my solo trip. I try to make it as short as possible and interesting because I know it can be very boring to read long and 'empty' story.

The original destination for the solo trip is not UK. It is supposed to be Australia. That time in January 2015, I felt like going somewhere oversea for a vacation and coincidentally MAS was doing a promo. I have a cousin who is studying in Newcastle, Australia. I asked her if she will be free in August 2015 and she said her semester will open in August so there is no way that she will  ponteng class. Why August? Because I want to make it as a new journey of my 3 series life (poyo la kan!). 

Then my BIL suggested to go UK since I have few cousins there. Even after I got confirmation from my eldest cousin sister who is in Bristol that she will come back for good after August 2015 and it is okay for me to stay at her house, I still felt unsure either to proceed with my plan or not..the currency is expensive, it is not a country that I has in mind to go for a vacation, somewhere I am not familiar and I will be ALONE (i repeat...ALONE,.. SENDIRI...SORANG2). Before i purchase the flight ticket I asked permission from umi. When she said 'pergilah.' I was so happy (menari2 dalam hati). Seriously Umi boleh lepaskan the only anak dara dia yang tak kahwin lagi untuk mengembara sendiri??   

During the time I want to purchase the ticket, I still felt unsure (again!) because I need to choose between going to UK or Egypt. I somehow promise (ehem..) my youngest brother to attend his convocation which usually happen in October if he passed all his papers. Comparatively the flight ticket to Egypt was cheaper by RM500. Contemplating? Yes of course. But since my brother can't promise me to pass his exam this year and October is a busy month for me so I decided to purchase flight to UK. I cannot afford to go both.

So, yeah. That is how it happened.

Excited because naik A380 yang dua tingkat tu and yeay I am going to UK!!! A place that I berangan to go nak study :)

p/s: Another reason what made me go to UK is because I got to know that a friend of mine is going there in February 2015. 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Solo trip: not even a bit of the story

I am suppose to start writing about my trip to UK tonight. But until now I am still transferring pictures to my external hard disk. It will takes days by looking at the number of pictures that I took using my phone. This is all thanks to Capture app. I saved all pictures in the app and do not know how to transfer it to the pc (thanks to my not-so-intelligent-IT-apps-understanding too).

By the way, the write up about the trip also will take few days. I have to recall all the memories. But insha Allah, will make it happen (yeay!). Someone asking me to write it all so that he can copy my itinerary and I said he has to wait until next year (I hope not). I will force myself to make it done by this month. In fact, at least the story about my first ever solo trip will not be forgotten by myself right?

p/s: I have few overdue posts about what happened in year 2015. *sigh